do i miss him? more than i can say
do i regret everything i said? i knew i would
do i think i did the right thing? yes.. but that doesn't stop me from still loving him.
its the only way i coulda let him go... and yeah the next few months are gonna be hell but at least he can be happy now. maybe both of us can? really there wasn't a method to our little fight, just me being stuffed with false anger by my little sister... and then exploding at him. i didn't mean i never wanted to talk to him again.. it just came out like that..somehow...
sorry, Cara i tried to suck it up, i really did. i tried to be just like you. I have to complain... that's just me.
the only terrible moments are the ones right before i fall asleep. Durring the day i can distract myself with my slinky bracelet or pump my blood full of caffine, and in my dreams, things are still the same with us. But before i fall asleep i have to think everything over, and i don't want to. i've just been avoiding sleep because im a dork like that. not doing hw either.
well if you're one of like two people who have been in my room recently, i had this massive collage on my wall... with pictures i've drawn, paintings, movie shots of Squall and Rinoa. I made it over the summer when i was terrified of forgetting everything. Not the video game lol. I forget things easily.. and there were people who i lost who i never wanted to lose (at least in my mind).
So movie ticket stubs and notes and comics my friends drew me were up there.. along with some poems guys wrote me from last year.. some pictures of them, some random plane tickets and crayon masterpieces drawn on macaroni grill table cloths...
I got mad and tore it down this morning..and when i say this morning i mean 2:00. And it felt good to destroy something so beautiful. Josh and Phillip.. Adam, Michael, Matt, Jonathan, Bobby... everyone's gone. Zach's gone. And i know i'll forget them all, but i think that's the way i want it.
